Monday, April 30, 2007

Super 3D Noah's Ark

You can tell by the Title Screen that this game is going to be the top selling game of the year.

I would rather pray for the great flood than to play Wisdom Tree's Super 3D Noah's Ark. The game is the only unlicensed Super Nintendo game to ever be commercially released, and it's no wonder why Nintendo refused to release this crap. The game takes the engine of Wolfenstein 3D (which Wikipedia has an interesting story about how Wisdom Tree obtained the source), and mixes it with bible studies, because obviously when one thinks of Wolfenstein 3D they think of religion and piousness.

Carl The Camel = Satan?

You have to calm the animals down (by feeding them with a slingshot) as they attempt to hump you and you're forced to listen to the stupid carnival music that somehow manage to play throughout the entire damn ark.

What could possibly be scarier than being sexually violated by a goat?

Being humped by a horny, crying, emo cow apparently.

Sadly, I never got up to the cranky old Carl the Camel (or the 5 minute mark of this game), simply because within 30 seconds in, I wanted to toss all of these cows, goats, and creators of this game off of the ark and into the flood. Let them all go the way of the dinosaurs.

I always wondered what happened if I was attacked by a cow. Apparently I would go into a magenta euphoria. Thanks Wisdom Tree, for showing me the things I would never know!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dudes With Attitude

You'd swear that was Ol Dirty Bastard in the background with that gold tooth.

So when an NES game has a name like Dudes With Attitude, I'm expecting some "badass-surfer-dude-roaming-the-streets-beating-the-crap-out-of-cops-because he's-a-rebel-and-he-feels-like-it-because-he's-one-bodacious-dude" type of game. Instead, I'm greeted with a bunch of heads with an attitude that Mother Theresa can rival that bounce around blocks trying to collect some gems in some half assed puzzle game.

Can you handle the 'tude, dude?

I'm not sure what the point of the game is, as it took me nearly 10 minutes to figure out how to even access a level from the world map. The world map consists of yellow blocks that I think are supposed to represent spewed crackers on your screen.

There's teeth, a snake, and some spinning thing. All super original enemies.

I actually tried giving this game a chance because I have a lot of work to do and want to put it off, But let me just say that it's actually more tempting to go work on Linear Algebra than to play this game. You're choice of characters consist of a head with sunglasses, a head with a kissy face, a clown head, etc... GNARLY!

Because all clown heads are obviously looking for buried treasure.

Fun Rating: 3/10
It's actually kind of like a coke rush. For the first 2 minutes you're pretty into it (if you ever figure out how to play), but then afterwards, you realize how much of your life you just wasted by doing that.
Running from a swastika, because they obvious that they hate clowns

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Color A Dinosaur

(choosing a dinosaur to color... Look at all those choices!)

If I were a dinosaur and saw this game, I'd be praying for that meteor to wipe out my species. If I was a kid back in 1993 and got the NES game Color A Dinosaur for Christmas, I think I would of opted for the coal or socks. At least I could put the coal inside of the sock and make a sling out of it. Color A Dinosaur is the type of game parents buy their kids when they're trying to get rid of them, as it will surely bore them to death.

(you can choose from polka dot pink, polka dot pink, or polka dot pink!)

The premise of the game is that you have to color a dinosaur... Seems like it can't be too bad of a children's game. However, you have a choice of like 10 (ugly ass) colors, and you don't actually get to color in the dinosaur, the computer does it for you. You click where you want the computer to color, and then it painstakingly slow fills that area with the color you chose. If that wasn't enough, it doesn't even allow the tortured kid to save his picture to show his evil parents.

(I call this: "What life would be like if LSD existed during the Jurassic period.")

Possibly the worst thing about this game is the seizure inducing flashing that happens when you press the 'select button'. After your $1,000 emergency room visit for the seizure, Color A Dinosaur not only robs you of your dignity, but also your wallet.
(Mystery solved: Color A Dinosaur is the reason dinosaurs are extinct).

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